It’s hard to believe that I wrote the first in this series
called Conflict Resolution Tips for Divorcing Couples in 2005. https://mediate.com/articles/kaufmano1.cfm. More Conflict Resolution Tips was written in 2013. https://www.mediate.com//articles/KaufmanO6.cfm#
In the first article the tips boiled down to:
1.
Conduct a conflict self-assessment (i.e.- take
your temperature as it relates to conflict).
2.
Normalize conflict (i.e.: conflict happens every
day).
3.
Conflict is an opportunity.
4.
Listen, and
5.
Think about what you would like the process to
look like when you look back on it years from now.
In “More Conflict Resolution Tips” I added the following to the list:
6.
Change your expectations (i.e.: expect bumps in
the road).
7.
Adverse positions are normal and should not be
the death knell of the process.
8.
Attorneys are not the enemy (i.e.- the right
attorneys can help the process tremendously), and
9.
Even though it may take work, make the decisions
today (i.e.: if possible- don’t kick the can down the road).
In this article, I would like to add some more tips and modify and expand on several previous ones. Here are a few more tips to add to the ever-expanding list:
1.
Give yourself the time you need;
2.
Take care of yourself/listen to what your inner
voice is telling you;
3.
Don’t be penny wise and pound foolish (you have
spent a lot of time and money and now are stuck- don’t throw it away);
4.
Imagine yourself looking at the mediation
through a one way mirror- or imagine your children seeing the mediation – how
does it look and how would you like it to look?
5.
Just as an exercise, try and put emotions aside
for a moment and do a cost benefit analysis;
6.
Find someone you can talk to about the emotional
part as well as the financial.
Let me expand briefly on each of the above.
1 1. Give yourself the time you need.
Rushed decisions
are often bad decisions. There are many
pressures on people when they divorce. Maybe you’re contemplating selling a
house, buying a house, which school will your children attend and on and
on? These are lifelong decisions the
impact of which will be felt for a long time. Like any other major decision in
your life, take the time necessary to consider the decision and the
consequences. Do your research. Consult
with your lawyer, friends, accountants or anyone else who you trust to give you
a rational perspective. If your spouse
is rushing things, then in mediation talk about the pace and why it is
important to you to take the time. The
pace of mediation is often an issue of contention. It is therefore important to
make sure your spouse knows that you are not dragging your feet to slow the
process down but rather you need the time to consider the issues. If you are already in court and you feel
rushed by the court process, almost any judge I know will gladly give you more
time and continue a pre- trial conference or status conference if the judge
knows that you are actively engaged in mediation and the additional time will
help reach an agreement.
2.
Take care of yourself.
Divorce
is an anxiety producing process. In addition to life’s normal complexities, you
are adding on just about every major life decision to the mix- kids, the house,
your retirement, health insurance, taxes, life insurance and the list goes on. It is particularly important during this
process that you take care of yourself. By that I mean, the basics, get sleep,
eat, try and have some fun and exercise. All those things that are important when
life is “normal” are doubly important when you are going through the stress of
divorce.
3.
Don’t be penny wise and pound-foolish.
Imagine
the following not so unusual scenario. You have spent $2,500.00 on your
mediation, you have settled 95% of the issues and you reach a stumbling
block. You cannot agree on who to name
as the life insurance beneficiary. You want to name your sister and your
husband wants you to name him. You have
resolved all the tough issues and for some reason this one remains. Maybe you have left the most difficult for
last or maybe resolving this means you are done and taking that leap is too scary.
In any event, I can pretty confidently say that it makes no sense financially
and otherwise to terminate mediation and turn it over to lawyers because you
cannot resolve that issue. The financial and emotional costs are likely to be
very high. Despite this, I see people
doing this repeatedly (or at least contemplating it).
This same situation manifests
itself in other common ways. For
instance, a divorcing couple argues over a few dollars or something financially
insignificant because it is “a matter of principle.” This can manifest itself in many ways- “I will
agree to nothing less than 50/50 custody!” or, “I was the custodial parent
during the marriage and I insist that I have to be the custodial parent post
marriage.” If you are at the point where
this might be happening, I suggest reviewing some of the other tips here and in
previously articles as a way to help you move forward and finish the process
effectively. Arguing over “principle”
can be a very dangerous and expensive proposition.
4. Imagine yourself looking at
the mediation through a one-way mirror.
Sometimes
I wonder if it would make a difference if the couple I am working with could
just watch themselves through a one-way mirror.
On the one hand I appreciate that they feel safe enough to not hesitate
to express how they feel. That’s a good thing. On the other hand, I think if
people were able to see themselves as an outsider they might be horrified. Maybe more effective than imagining a one-way
mirror is for clients to think about how would this look to their children if
they were watching. Of course I am not
suggesting that this be done. However, I might ask clients who are fighting to
think about how it would feel to their children if they saw them fighting. Even
if they are not actively fighting in from of their children (hopefully) it
trickles down. Kids feel it and if affects them. Is this enough incentive to look
for a way to resolve the conflict?
5.
Do a cost benefit analysis.
At the end of the day, most of the divorce agreement (with the exception of parenting issues) revolves around financial decisions. The problem and challenge is that this isn’t just a business a deal. There are multiple layers of emotions involved. The ultimate agreement however should be based on a rational financial analysis. If it is emotionally based- i.e. revenge, guilt, anger, fear- there will inevitably be problems down the road. At some point in the process when final decisions need to be made, a simple cost benefit analysis is extremely useful. What are the costs of not settling? What are the benefits of settling? Write them out and sit with it for a while.
7 6. Find someone to talk with.
Not much elaboration needed here. Having someone you trust that you can talk
about this with is critical. It may be
that you talk with one person about the financial and one person about the
emotional. The only caveat I would make here is to be careful about not
confusing support and a good sounding board with someone who gives you legal
advice who has no business giving you legal advice. It is not uncommon what
clients come in and tell me they have reached an agreement about something and
when I ask how they arrived at the agreement, I find out that it was based on
some incorrect legal information/advice they received. That aside, having someone with whom you can
discuss the process is invaluable.
